The Barn Door of Boundaries: Unlocking the Power of 'No' and the Impact of What Didn’t Happen
Ever said ‘no’ just because you could? Maybe to stamp a bit of authority, or just because it was easier than dealing with something? We all do it—especially blokes. But have you ever stopped to think about why you say no? Or what might be missing from your past that still shapes how you react today?
This is something we’re diving into at The Healing Barn Men’s Group, and it’s a game-changer.
Why Do We Say ‘No’?
For a lot of us, saying ‘no’ feels like a way to stay in control. It’s how we set boundaries, push back, or avoid getting into something we don’t quite understand. But sometimes, that ‘no’ isn’t really ours—it’s coming from old habits, from stress, or even from the way we were raised.
Gabor Maté, in Scattered Minds, talks about how ‘no’ can come from a place of self-protection rather than a conscious choice. We’re often just reacting rather than deciding.
I saw this all the time when I was farming. Plenty of farm owners would say ‘no’ just because they could—just to remind everyone who was in charge. But was it really about the decision itself or about holding onto control?
The Gaps in Our Past: What Didn’t Happen to Us
One of the biggest things we never think about is the impact of what didn’t happen when we were younger. It’s easy to look at the big events that shaped us, but what about the things we missed out on?
The encouragement we didn’t get.
The support we didn’t feel.
The safe space we never had to express what we actually wanted.
Dr. Maté talks about how these missing experiences leave gaps in us, and we carry them into adulthood. We might struggle with trust, avoid emotional conversations, or always feel the need to prove ourselves—even when no one’s watching.
Ever Wished You Had Said ‘Yes’?
On the flip side, have you ever said ‘no’ in the heat of the moment, only to wish later that you had said ‘yes’? Maybe an opportunity came up, but you shut it down because it felt too risky. Maybe someone asked for help, and you brushed it off—only to regret it later.
This is something we don’t talk about enough as men. How often do we let fear or old habits make our decisions for us?
Reclaiming Your ‘No’—And Your ‘Yes’
The key isn’t to stop saying ‘no’—it’s to make sure your ‘no’ is actually yours.
Say ‘no’ when it protects your values and well-being.
Say ‘yes’ when it aligns with what you truly want—not just what feels safe.
Recognise when your reactions are coming from old wounds rather than present-day reality.
At our Men’s Group at The Healing Barn, we create a space to talk about this stuff. No fluff, no judgment—just real conversations about how we show up in the world.
